Relationships need working at.
All our friendships, partnerships (personal and professional) and work relationships have a bearing on our lives.
Some relationships are more vital than others.
Some need more work than others.
At Noggin, we are approaching 20 years of helping teams and individuals improve their emotional competence.
20 years brings a bit of reflection.
Reflection on what are the experiences we create that reliably provoke transformation in people.
In the spirit of making these blogs as meaningful as possible I thought we could share some of these “micro-lab” experiences.
Here goes…
This is an exercise I run with leadership teams. It works with groups and in paired conversations.
Conscious this might be a bit tricky given you will be reading this blog on your own but stick with me….
Pick 6 people who you want to relate to as well as you possibly can.
At one end they might be existing good relationships that you want to make even better.
At the other they could be people where your relationship is poor and your want it to improve.
Make a list of the people down the left hand side of a piece of paper or document.
Consider this statement for each of them:
“Things would be better between us if only you would…”
Write down what you would want to say to them - hypothetically …. :)
For example you might say:
John : “Things would be better between us if only you would include me more in what you are thinking ……”
Complete your list.
Now for each person imagine saying it to them directly.
Go on… really imagine doing it with each person.
Some questions…
How does that feel? What does that trigger in you?
If there is any hint of hesitation or a kinaesthetic reaction?
What’s that about for you?
What’s the risk in it for you?
What prevents you from having said this to the person already?
In a group when I ask them to actually do this in pairs - this is where I fall off peoples’s Christmas card list. Some people even stop breathing.
And here’s the kicker if you are up for playing a bit more …
Take a moment to revisit your document - make one small change to the statement at the top and reconsider your list of statements.
“Things would be better between us if only “I” would…….”
Yes, that’s right, make it about you not them.
How many of the statements still apply??
All of them ?
Just one or two?
Only the ones where the relationship is most tricky?
Busted?
Have a think about this last bit - if we want to experience more of something from someone else - change your own behaviour - do it to them and see what happens.
I hope that might have created a visceral experience for you.
I hope people are still talking to you.
Don’t blame me - I just wrote the blog….. :)
* I originally had the joy of experiencing this exercise as part of my experience with Will Schutz’s “The Human Element” workshop, Will was the originator of FIRO theory. His micro-lab experiences were truly visceral.
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