Are you stuck behind the wheel of a BMW…

One of the things we love doing is helping to get people out of their own way.

Helping people work out what they really need to work on and change and what prevents them from doing this is our idea of fun.

Recently, I’ve been listening back to Bob Kegan and Lisa Lahey’s book “How The Way We Talk Can Change the Way we Work”.

All of a sudden they started to talk about BMW’s.

Now, I drive a BMW (it’s old, a bit beaten up and a bit of a dog van but I love it) - so this caught my attention.

Turns out in this context it’s not Bayerische Motoren Werke… it stands for “Bitching” “Moaning” and “Whinging”…

This reminded me of when we’ve worked with groups in the past and had people get right into producing a list of complaints about work, their teams, their colleagues… surprisingly quickly :)

• “If only my team would step up more I’d get some time back….”

• “People just don’t want to develop…”

• “People are just not open to other people’s ideas…”

We use this as a great starting point for something deeper.

The reality is people tend to complain about things because they care. It’s what they care about that counts.

"Bitching" about a situation, "moaning" about a problem, or "whinging" about something we don’t like is often a symptom of a deeper psychological "immune system" at work. We are venting our frustrations, without addressing the root cause.

You might have heard us talking about Bob and Lisa’s “Immunity to Change” process - the idea that we all have an internal “immune system” that actively resists change and development even when consciously we want it. It’s a defence mechanism tied to our sense of identity, our beliefs and fears.

Might this explain what we really care about when we complain…

Here’s a quick reminder of the Immunity Process

1. An improvement goal: Something you genuinely want to change or improve

“I want to let go more and getting more done through others”

“I want to be more courageous in the conversations I have with people”

“I need to back myself more and stand firm in the face of challenge”

2. Your “doing or not doing” behaviours .. what you do that undermines your goal

“I micro manage, I take over, I just do things myself because it’s quicker…”

“I put conversations off, I talk to other people about the problem not them, I skirt round issues…”

“I back down, I don’t raise things in the moment when I disagree, I go with the flow…”

3. The hidden commitments or protective measures: Unconscious fears or assumptions that drive those behaviours

“ Never looking like I can’t cope”

“ Never damaging my relationships and risking people not liking me…”

“ Not losing credibility with my peers..”

The immunity is the tension between points 1 and 3

So how does this explain being stuck behind the wheel of our BMW?

Well, our complaints are the unaware expressions of this tension.

Using the example complaint from above: “If only my team would step up more I’d get some time back….”

Might be driven by a tension like this:

I want to let go and get more done through others and at the same time I cant look as if I can’t cope

And using the other complaint: “People just don’t want to develop”

Could this be driven by something like:

Wanting to be more courageous with people and at the same time not risking being disliked

And finally: “People are just not open to other people’s ideas…”

Might be driven by:

Needing to back myself more and at the same time not risking a loss of credibility

Doubling down on the car analogy - ironically, Bob and Lisa talk about the immunity being like having your foot on the brake and the accelerator/gas pedal at the same time.

Even if you don’t drive a BMW.